


If only you knew what your words could do...

by SilentlyFighting



Series: One Shots! (5sos) [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Blood, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hate, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 13:28:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4707635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentlyFighting/pseuds/SilentlyFighting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pain.<br/>Some of us can hide it well. Some of us can't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If only you knew what your words could do...

**Author's Note:**

> So i tried, let me know what you think.  
> Also, send me some requests if you want and i will see what i can do.
> 
> Hope you like it!
> 
> :P

Pain.

Some of us hide it well. Some of us just can't.

I used to be one of those people that were useless at hiding anything, but all that changed as I got older. I taught myself to appear emotionless in a way. It stopped being a conscious act and started becoming something I lost control of. I still smile, but am I really happy? Is that smile really as genuine as it appears to be? 

When the band became successful, things changed for us,  but my habits stayed the same. I still hid things from everyone but I had become so used to doing it by then that I had stopped taking notice of my own behaviour. The words that some people would send us still hurt, but I never let it show anymore. I fell on old habits to protect myself and to relieve the pressure that I felt after reading some of the tweets.

I feel alone even though I have the boys around me constantly. The habits I have come to rely on now mean that although I have my friends, I shut people out so they don't see me in pain. They would never understand that I’m protecting them too, not just me.

\-------------------------------------------------------

“Hey Mikey, Ash wanted to know if you’re coming with us?” Luke asks, popping his head round the door.

The boys had planned to go out after the concert, they always ask me if I want to go even when I have already told them that I don't want to because they want to leave the option open incase I change my mind, but nine times out of ten I still end up saying no.

“I’m not really in the mood tonight Luke, maybe next time. I’m tired anyway so I’ll probably just go to sleep after you guys leave.” It’s not the full truth but it will do for now. Luke may be young and a little forgetful at times but he is incredibly smart so I have to be careful how I word my answers. 

“You say that every time though and you never end up coming with us.” He whines, pouting like a small child.

“Leave him alone Lukey, if he doesn’t want to come with us then that’s his loss. Come on; let’s go before you start something you can’t finish.” I hear Ashton, literally, shout from the end of the corridor.

Luke leaves soon after with a huff and I am finally left to my own devices. I change into some comfortable clothes before logging onto twitter, it's not always the best idea but I can manage, to see what the fans are up to. There are always rumours going around, and today is just like no other.

I scroll through my feed, retweeting a couple people’s tweets and following a few people here and there. Apparently some update accounts have already found out about the boy’s plans. At least I know where they are in case I want to join them... not.

After 10 minutes of messing around, I find tweets from the trusty people many call haters. I don’t see them as this though, as bad as it sounds, they help me see myself as other people really see me.

I read tweet after tweet, until I can’t take anymore of the burning under my skin. I log off and put my laptop to the side. I go through my bag until I find what I am looking for. One of the only things that has stuck around through it all. My only friend. My blade.

I’m not stupid. I know there are people out there who analyse every picture taken of us, trying to find something new to use against us. It’s never in an obvious place if I can help it.

I enter the bathroom, taking off my shirt as I go. I stand in front of the mirror, just looking, mentally pointing out the imperfections. I take a deep breath as I decide where I should do this. I can’t do anymore on my thighs, skinny jeans hurt like a bitch on fresh cuts. My hips already have scars, and going back over those would be too risky and I couldn't wear my jeans last time because they pressed on the cuts too much, and skinny jeans are our trademark so not wearing them stands out. I choose to cut my stomach this time, it can be hidden and it’s easier to keep a shirt off of a cut then it is with skinny jeans.

I once again take a deep breath before I make the first cut. I hiss as I drag the blade across my skin, but it feels good. It relieves the pressure I feel under my skin. I feel numb usually but when I do this, I finally feel something. It’s so wrong but it feels so right.

I make 5 clean cuts before I deem it enough. I wait for a minute or so, holding on to the only feeling I’ll get in a while. But my peace is soon shattered as I hear the door to the hotel room open and Calum’s voice call out my name.

“Shit..” I hiss, trying to clean up quickly as I wrap the bandage haphazardly around the area and secure it with a safety pin. “I’ll be with you in a minute.” I shout through the door, thankful now that I took the time to lock the door so he cannot just walk in on this.

“Are you alright in there..?” He asks.

I reach for my shirt but notice there are a few spots of blood on it from it being to close to the blade I hurriedly put down on the counter just seconds ago, I can’t wear it without him noticing. Thinking quickly, I answer him.

“Yeah.. I was just getting ready for bed actually... any chance you can get me another shirt.. I..umm..picked up the wrong one.. one of my dirty ones, you know..” I trail off, crossing my finger and hoping that he will believe it.

“Yeah, sure. One of those nights, eh?” He asks, as I hear him move around, hinting at the nights I wear a shirt because I don’t feel comfortable with my body at the time. He doesn’t question it much anymore, just lets me do whatever I want as long as I am comfortable... if only he knew.

I don’t answer him, not seeing any point in doing so. He knocks on the door a few seconds later to let me know that he has a shirt for me. I unlock the door quickly, put my arm round, grab the shirt and shut and lock the door just as quickly.

“Woah, don’t have to snatch.” He laughs quietly.

I pull on the shirt, unlock the door and walk past Calum back into the room.  I stuff my rolled up shirt, containing my blade and hiding the blood, back into my suitcase, making a mental note to wash it soon as possible, before flopping onto my bed.

Calum, who had been changing when I walked past him, comes and lies next to me. We just lie in silence for a couple minutes before Calum speaks quietly, breaking the silence.

“We came back early, it wasn’t that busy so we basically just had a few drinks then left. Kinda boring really.” He pauses, “Your kinda scene really.” He says laughing.

I give him a half hearted swat before asking, “Don’t you have your own bed, or do you just like invading mine?”

He just laughs and cuddles closer. I breathe out a sigh but don’t try and make him move, I have learnt from experience that it just gets worse the more you try and move him. After some time I hear his breathing slow, indicating he has fallen asleep. I move his arm and move out from under it.

As gently as I can, I pick him up, he’s heavier than he looks but somehow I manage, and place him on his bed, making sure to cover him up since the room isn't exactly warm. I watch for a second to make sure I haven’t woken him up in the process of moving him before getting back into my own bed, settling in for the night and awaiting the early morning wake-up call.

\--------------------------------------------

I awaken to voices the next morning. I chance a quick look at the alarm clock on the bedside table before closing my eyes again, the boys are apparently up early. We technically still have 15 minutes until the wake-up call comes. I decide to listen in on the boy’s conversation.

“I thought he only wore shirts to bed when he was sick...” A voice speaks up. Luke.

“I never asked what was up with him. He looked kind of out of it when I got back and I fell asleep pretty early. Although we were both on the same bed when I fell asleep... he moved me apparently. It’s not like him but that’s not much proof to just bombard him with question either.” Calum sighs.

“I’m sure he’s fine Lukey, he was probably just tired from the concert.” Ashton replies, basically ending that line of conversation.

Its quiet for a short time before I feel the bed dip and someone gently rub my shoulder.

“Time to get up Mikey, we have a hell of a day ahead of us and another concert...” Ashton speaks gently. I groan but get up anyway and get ready for the day, taking fresh clothes to the bathroom with me instead of coming out to get them after.

\--------------------------------------------

We are just getting ready to go on stage and I already feel ready to climb into bed. Ashton wasn’t kidding when he said we had a hell of a day ahead of us. We had a photo shoot, I don’t even know how many interviews and a small meet and greet with some fans earlier. I love my “job” but it is really tiring some days.

Ashton goes on first, to rile the crowd up before our cue comes and we rush forward, up the ramp behind the drums and to our mic stands. I laugh cheerily as I run past Ashton, who is swatting at us with his drumsticks playfully as we rush pass.

\--------------------------------------------

We are about halfway through our set when it happens, and last night’s events have temporarily slipped my mind - if I had remembered I would have been more careful. I am wearing a light grey t-shirt for tonight’s show since its warm tonight and that's my first mistake, my other one makes an appearance when we get to our synchronised jump; us three jump up as high as we can and land in almost perfect sync. But, as I land, I feel my cuts pull. I ignore it in favour of watching the screen for a second. It’s not until I shift my gaze back to my guitar that I see the dots appearing on my shirt.

I’m on a stage in front of who knows how many people, I can’t just run off, it would be too suspicious... so I have to wait and keep away from the boys, cameras and try not to get too close to the front... that way the fans won’t see.

When the song ends, I make the excuse of needing the toilet before I running off stage, past backstage crew and into our dressing room which, luckily for me, has a bathroom in. I grab a new bandage and another shirt before darting into the bathroom. I quickly apply the bandage and change my shirt, swapping it out for one of my baseball shirts. I roll the sleeves up to my elbows, and stuff my other shirt and excess bandages back into the bottom of my bag to deal with later.

I grab my guitar back from the crew member I gave it to as I ran past earlier, and head back onto the stage.

“What happened to your shirt? Did you piss on it or something?” Calum jokes, when he notices that I am back.

“For your information, I didn’t piss on my shirt. It got ripped during the jump and it was annoying me so while I was backstage I changed... that good enough for you...” I answer, smiling cheekily at the end.

He flips me off, while the other two laugh, before introducing the next song. I sigh in relief as I begin playing again. That was too close, and definitely cannot happen again.

\--------------------------------------------

Two days later, and we are back on the tour bus and on the road again. I can tell that the boys are suspicious about me, but so far none of them have made an obvious move to question my behaviour. The incident on stage the other day has put me on edge and the boys have definitely noticed, it is kind of hard not to. They are either deciding who is going to confront me or waiting for me to do something else before they all come down on me at once.

I am in my bunk listening to music at the moment, Ashton and Calum went to get food and Luke is somewhere on the bus, most likely the back room since that is where he usually hides out if he isn't in his bunk. I log onto twitter again, checking my messages and notifications to get rid of the symbols, before I start to scroll through the feed. Pictures from the concert the other day are everywhere, I scroll through them before I reach one that makes my blood run cold.

In the picture you can see me looking up at the screen, but you can also see my shirt covered in dots ranging in size.

The caption reads **_“I’M FREAKING OUT, WHAT IS THIS????!!!”_**

I try to swallow the lump in my throat, clicking the picture and going to the comments. I read every comment; they range but fall into two basic categories:

One being, _**“TELL ME THIS ISNT WHAT I THINK IT IS!!”**_

The other being, _**“CUT YOUR WRISTS NEXT TIME!”**_

I feel the pressure under my skin again, but do I really want to chance it when I’m in such close quarters to the boys? I scratch at my wrists until they are red raw before I grab some of my bracelets and add them to the collection on my arm to cover it up. Just as I finish, Ashton and Calum’s voices shout out they have arrived back with food as they bustle through the door.

Luke, literally, runs past me on the way to the table, and I slowly follow behind, rolling my eyes at his over-enthusiasm for food. I grab myself some food and join the boys at the table. I zone out Calum and Luke arguing over something or other and just focus on my food. I finish quite quickly and sit back, starting to play a game on my phone as I wait for Luke to finish so I can get out and go back to my bunk, but when I unlock my phone, it opens up on twitter again.

It’s not until a moment later that I notice Ashton’s gaze on me. I raise an eyebrow at him before I realise, he is not looking at me exactly, but at something else entirely. I follow his gaze until it reaches my wrist, where my bracelets have slipped down slightly and are now showing only a small percentage of the damage. My eyes widen as I turn my focus back on him.

“Mikey...” The shakiness in his voice makes the others silence instantly. Calum looks round at me before following Ashton’s gaze. His mouth parts and eyes widen but no words come out.

My only escape is blocked off anyway, I’m in the corner of the booth seat and Luke is next to me, I have no choice but to stay where I am under their scrutiny.

I can still feel their gazes but I turn my attention back to my phone, which conveniently is still displaying the picture from twitter. I hear mumbling but ignore it, that is until I see Luke move from his seat out of the corner of my eye. Someone grabs my arm, and I’m hauled out of my seat and dragged through the bus to the back room, my phone left open on the table. I hear a sharp intake of breath from the table before the door closes. My guess is that the other two saw the picture on my phone... oh well, I've already been found out, what's the point anymore?

It’s silent before Calum speaks.

“Show me.” He orders.

“Show you what...?” I weakly question, already knowing I have lost this particular argument, he knows me too well to get away with lying for long.

Calum sighs, crouching down in front of the sofa I am sitting on.

“Take them off or I will. Please Mikey, please.”  He begs, wiping his eyes at the end.

I sigh but do as he asked. I remove each bracelet, one by one, dropping them on the floor between us. When they’re all gone, I avoid his gaze; I can’t look him in the eyes knowing that his will contain so much disappointment.

I hear the door open but don’t turn to face it, the other two come in and the door shuts again.

Luke asks the question that I hoped wouldn’t come up.

“There’s more, aren’t there?”  He mumbles sadly.

I nod hesitantly, no point denying it.

Calum speaks, trying to be strong and not cry but I know that he is so close to breaking down in tears right now.

“Show me.... all of them.” He orders, adding the last bit when I hesitate.

I avoid their eyes as I stand up. I take of my shirt slowly, hissing when I stretch too far, making my cuts pull under the bandage. Then I take off the baggy sweatpants, leaving me in my boxers.

Calum and Luke move to sit on the sofa as Ashton slowly moves towards me.

“Can I take it off?” He asks quietly, nodding his head towards the bandage.

I lift my arms for him to unwrap it, which he moves to do immediately. I’m basically left in the open now, nothing hiding my secrets anymore.

Ashton hugs me.... Okay, so I wasn’t expecting it but at least I know someone doesn’t hate me.  When he lets me go, he smiles softly before sitting on the other side of Calum.

“Why..?” Calum chokes out eventually.

I sniff, mumbling an answer. “Y-you wouldn’t u-understand.”

“Then make us understand.” Ashton says.

“Your all so p-perfect and I’m just... not. You have everything, the looks, the body, hell, even the personality. Then there’s me, the pale kid in the background that only gets attention for their hair. I’m so fat and ugly and I don’t get it. Why do you keep me around? I’m nothing compared to you guys.” I cry.

“Mich-“I cut Luke off.

“No Luke, you don’t get it. If I wasn’t here, you could find someone else; your band could be perfect. It hurts Luke, knowing that most of the crowd wouldn’t give a damn if I killed myself, I know you saw it...I know you read the comments. Why can’t you guys leave it-“

Calum surges up, connecting his mouth to mine, cutting me off. He has his hands on my cheeks as he pulls away.

“Because we care Michael. I care. You don’t get it either. I cannot imagine my life or this band without you, you are everything to me and so, so talented. If you left all of this, left me, I don’t think I could go on without you. If something happened to you, I would probably throw myself off a bridge so I wouldn’t have to live my life without you.” He says, silently crying but still holding eye contact.

He pulls me closer, into a hug.

He kisses my temple, mumbling, “I love you too much to lose you. I just got you, I can’t lose you after everything we've been through together, not now that I finally have you.” He mumbles.

Even though I am still crying, I can’t help but joke, “You know you never asked me right?” making the other two giggle.

Calum pulls away slightly. “Fine, Michael Gordon Clifford, will you be mine and stop hurting that beautiful skin of yours... for me?” He says, pouting.

I roll my eyes at him for adding the last part.

“Yeah, I’ll be yours. I will try to stop, if it means that much to you.” I reply, kissing him gently.

“It means everything to me, like you.” He says cheekily as he pulls me back into him. Ashton and Luke join our hug, teasing Calum about how cheesy that was.

  

It may not be the perfect fairytale, but with my boys next to me, I know I’ll make it eventually. No more hiding anymore, I have my boys, my Calum. What more do I need in life?


End file.
